Annual Friend Appraisal Report

It’s time to evaluate some people who fall under the broad category of friends. The broadness of the category is not for want of better terms. It’s just being civil. After all you can’t really call someone Complete Dick Who May Serve A Purpose, can you? This list of friends is not definite. It is constantly changing, being amended sub-consciously and rarely up for scrutiny. But all this sub-conscious stuff is for mere mortals. Those of us gifted with razor-sharp intelligence know that this is just another activity which we can apply our minds to so we can make rational decisions. So this year, just as I did last year and the year before, I’ve decided to consciously sort my friends out so I can leave my sub-conscious free for more profitable activity.

Evaluation

Given that our targets from last year was to minimize Vague People We Know From Somewhere and Casual Acquaintances and maximize those in the Friends category, we have fared rather poorly. The Sluts have dropped in ranking and in numbers exponentially this year which was expected in the event of steady relationship or matrimony. Expect this category to thin out and eventually merge with Casual Acquaintances. In the Complete Dicks segment we have shown an improvement, with numbers reduced by over 65% this year. The change of job might have a lot to do with that and we have to attribute several changes to that. As a result of the change of city, the Scum count has increased. As often happens when moving from a large organization to a smaller one, Vague People We Know From Somewhere increase. So do Casual Acquaintances. This year, we lost 4 friends because they got married. Which sadly means they will have to be demoted to Casual Acquaintances. Their wives will add to the larger numbers and necessitate the creation of a new sub-set, Annoying Bitches. Overall, the performance has been poor and we have to take measures to turn things around this year.

Reccommendations

Cut off social ties with all Scum, Complete Dicks and Sluts. If possible see if we can create a new sub-set within Vague People We Know From Somewhere to Vague People Who May Serve A Purpose. Eventually we should look at this new group replacing Complete Dicks Who May Serve A Purpose. As you get older, the Annoying Bitches category will only expand. Keep a watch on this. Friends are still way too low. Can we look at developing talent from Casual Acquaintances to bolster this group? It is crucial that we make some improvement in this segment.

First published in KIRIK 01, February 2010

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