The Brown Man: Otherwise known as the Aam Admi

Each time prices go up or elections go down, it’s all about the Aam Aadmi and how he’s having such a hard time of it. Does the AA deserve so much attention and “mindshare” as they say?

‘Aam’ is the Uzbek word for ‘cunt’. Pardon my French, but there’s no other way to say it. Not ‘vagina’ as an anatomical reference but ‘cunt’ as a scurrilous term. Rather appropriate, we think.

The AA is a jackass who doesn’t deserve the freedoms of a supposedly up and coming democracy. One would imagine, given sixty years of lament of his exploitation, the AA would exercise a tad bit of his native instinct for self-preservation in choosing the people that “rule” him, don’t you think?

To fully understand how thick the AA is, consider the circus surrounding that shameless sponger, Koda.

As recently as 1994, a daily labourer. No shame in that.

Inveigled his way into the Chief Ministership of Jharkhand. Some shame in that. But that’s not the point here.

When investigated recently for corruption, he was found to have about 500 million smackers in USD. SFX: Sharp intake of breath and low whistle. Certainly no shame in that. It’s practically the most sought-after Indian occupation, stealing from the public.

So now Koda is in the clink being investigated by the CBI (which probably means not being investigated at all) does the AA, from who Koda stole for years, realize this? Let’s see what happens next. Koda’s wife stands for election and wins handily. Proclaims victory as sign of husband’s innocence. AA celebrates on the streets of Jharkhand.

One has an impression of Jharkhand as a poor state. But not so poor that the odd half billion can’t be stolen from its people, it seems.

Given that its people comprising solidly of the AA demonstrated how unworthy they are of having the freedom of choice, they can hardly be deemed deserving of the things half a billion would’ve bought them in public amenities and services.

That kind of jack could buy really good roads, for starters. Probably buy a really great public transport system. Bits of which will be burnt each time some lumpen elements have a grouse about some non-issue or the other.

AA is a state of mind not a social or economic standard. It is a philosophy that begets a way of life. Ever noticed railway crossings in India just before the barrier is lifted? Both lanes will invariably be clogged with traffic. So that when they meet, it almost always results in a gridlock situation.

How fucking dumb do you have to be to realize that filling up both lanes just ruins it for everyone?

It’s a symptom of a bigger disease that afflicts AA. Selfishness and complete disregard of simple rules that make man a cooperative social being living with others. Look at those crapping on the roads. I’m sure there is some pious social worker who feels really sorry for the poor souls who cannot even afford the dignity of a private dump. Let me tell you something, Auntie Tie-Dye, shitting on the road has nothing to do with poverty and everything to do with a lack of dignity.

Why not do it a little out of way, dig a hole and bury your muck? Why do it in broad daylight, by the side of the road? He doesn’t care if it spreads germs and nor do his fellow AA’s. They’re into that sort of shit. They have evolved to develop an amazing immunity against germs in scattered faeces, cut fruits and stagnant water. Leching, vandalism, raping, spitting, vomiting off buses, ball-scratching – these are all side effects of the same drug. Self-gratification and a lack of dignity, accompanied by a disregard for rules. Let’s get away with what we can.

In medieval times, religion developed as a set of rules, a code so man could essentially co-exist in harmony, with respect for all and himself. All the big religions – whether it is Hinduism, Islam, Christianity or Buddhism are a code of rules, a way of life. It was a code thought up by intelligent people imposed upon AA’s to get them to be unselfish and not live like animals. India has been the birthplace of some of these great religions and calls itself the cradle of humanity. Yet we continue to live in squalor and selfishness.

Most of these big religions were invented in the Stone Age so obviously they have no sections dealing with level crossings. But if there was to be a modern day religion, it will be akin to those social rules imposed by tyrannical city states that have the power to pass laws that make sense without the consensus and then say that’s that. Deal with it or get flogged.

Singapore and Dubai have taught us valuable lessons in dealing with large numbers of AA exports. AA will behave only if he’s under threat of being whipped. If anybody is thinking of inventing a modern religion, there’s a good starting point.
Truth is, AA has never had it this good. The staggering mass of the AA demographic has given him the power to bend things to his will. Cheesy malls, IPL, Colors channels and its draconian soap operas are all testament to this. AA is being spoon-fed by the natural laws of commerce.

Yet, he is stupid enough to be manipulated by politicians on lines of religion, language and caste. After each election campaign, he ends up drunk on hooch with his dick in one hand and a biryani packet in another. Money meant for him ends up in Swiss banks. And he bitches about corruption only because he hasn’t the opportunity to steal himself.

In short, the AA is an evolutionary mishap, deserves all that comes his way. He just drags the intelligent man down to his level. There are enough hordes to outnumber any measly pickings of the intelligent man. The common factors binding these hordes change from time to time. Sometimes, it’s a common religion, caste or a grave feeling of moral outrage over a film poster. Sometimes, it’s just a couple of bucks and packet of biryani. Throw in a sachet of arrack if you want a landslide. Congress, BJP, Mayavati, Left, Sainiks, take a bow.

And wherever you go, it’s the same fucking thing.

It’s not just in Jharkasland (as some idiot NRI referred to it recently) it’s all over the place. AA’s are unified by their dumbness and bigotry. All the recent flap about the Marathi Manus and subsequent vilification of non-Marathis in Bombay in certain mouthpiece papers or inflammatory speeches (depending on which fascist you’re dealing with) would get zero traction with anyone if it wasn’t for this sentiment being a reflection of what the AA there thinks or feels.

Look at Goa. Once a nice place with nice people has now been successfully dragged down to the AA level, where the sullen locals charge 25 Rupees for a printout and Brittos is run by a Bihari.

Welcome to the Big Revolution. Not the Industrial Revolution or any damn thing that would improve things. Look at the way the AA works. Usually digging holes or messing about agriculturally.

How much thinking is required to see that the mumti (in Karnataka, probably the mammooty in Kerala) is the hardest way there is to move mud or manure around?

The AA loves bending over, doing things the hard and least efficient way. Watch a typical maid mop the floor. On all fours, slopping a cloth hither and yon. At the mercy of Miscellaneous Ahujas. Shiny or Matt. Who fucking cares? All the while bowing and scraping. Need more evidence? I present Exhibit B. The Air India Maharaja. Why is he bending? What kind of discount royalty would bend over and usher people into those crap planes they run? No wonder they changed the merged carriers’ name to Indian. Very apt. All it takes is a boatload of AAs to Jersey to turn the commodes into Indian toilets. Don’t forget your bogus accent bud.

We’re trying to send a guy to the moon, but to get everyone to use mops and covering the drains is something they do only in the first world.

And what’s with people getting all up in your grille. Nowhere else in the world will you stand in a line somewhere or at any counter, minding your business, and have some motherfucker come jostle and elbow you and look mystified and affronted when you tell him to get the fuck away. What do you want, asshole? Learn to wait your turn, respect another’s space and keep your bodily infestations a minimum of a flea’s jumping distance away from folks that have better hobbies. Stat.

While on the topic of mumtis, you might want to turn the handle around. You’ll discover it’s a shovel. Easier to use. Now get to work.

First published in KIRIK 02, March 2010

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